Love and Acceptance

Tonight, my best friend Mariah took me to chruch and back.

Let me tell you, we had an intresting conversation, mostly centered around guys.

I finally told her all of the details around my first kiss, and the few ones after that. Seems she only knew about one of the instances, so I gladly filled her in.

Then we began talking.

Many of ya'll know that I am not the best conversationalist, and it takes a great effort on my part to try and keep a conversation going for more than a minute.

So to have about a thrity minute conversation for me is pretty much a miracle.

But then again, I do have a lot to say on this subject.

I'm going to do my best not to say to much or confuse you or even give you to much information. Actualy, I doubt that anyone actualy reads this thing, but on the off chance you do, I will try to keep it somewhat simple.

I was adopted as many of you know.

My real dad left my mother and me.

My parents are also divorced, again, as many of you know.

My dad now lives in mexico and if I'm lucky, I see him twice a year and I get one or two phone calls.

I haven't had the best relationships with the opposite sex. There has not been one guy, man, or boy that has been there for me for longer than a few years, espically when it comes to father figures.

Bud was the closest to a father figure I pretty much ever had, and then he left. I know some of the youth group were very happy when he left and some even were a little angered when he dropped brett off at summer camp and stayed for the meal.

But for me, that was the highlight of my week. It was hard to keep from crying when I saw him, but I managed. I got my wide smile and big bear hug and I was alright.

That was the one thing I could always expect from him, a big bear hug and a wide smile every time I saw him and that was all I needed. I actualy looked forward to going to chruch and seeing him some days because I needed that hug so badly.

But I don't have that anymore, he left.

That's why I was so upset when Jeff became our new youth pastor. I wanted Bud, I didn't want some new guy, espically because it felt like I was loosing a father all over again.

Don't get me wrong, I love Jeff and Kim and what they have done for the youth group, but I just don't have that relationship with them, and it's partially my fault.

But I'm getting off topic again.

Like I said before, no real male figure has ever stayed in my life for more than a few years.

I've always craved that acceptance, that love, from guys. I've always needed their approval and I have done everything in my power to make certain people like me, love me, and approve of me.

But I ended up looking like a fool.

It's doubly hard for me to try and gain that love that I crave so badly because of my reserved personality and my outward features. So I sometimes go to extremes to get what I need.

I won't give you any gorey details, I know no one wants that sort of mentail picture. Heck, if I were anyone else, I wouldn't want that sort of mental picture.

But it all comes back to the talk I had in the car with Mariah. We were on the subject of guys and some of the things she said made me think.

This post is basically just me sorting out my thoughts on the matter.

I knew I said I would never do anything like this, but at least I'm not whining. Besides, it's not like anyone actualy reads this right?