I don't even feel stupid

I knew from the begenning that in order to have him I had to live up to certain standards.

In order to have him, I would have to give up certain morals I had grown up with my entire life. I would have to spit in the face of everything I believed.

It's wierd, reading over all of our conversations we've had in the past few years. It's strange to see how slowly but surley I began to give into him. I began to drift away from what I had been taught and started to embrace the things that he was telling me. I put the desires of my heart, my desire to be with him, over everything and everyone else.

He became my world. He was what I thought about, he was what I dremt about, he was what I cared about. He consumed me.

He broke past every single defence I had ever put up around myself, something that no one else has ever done, not even the people that I have known my entire life.

Strange that I've only known him for a total of four years, and one of those I hardly talked to him.

The big question now seems to be, why on earth did I latch onto him?

Well, the answer is, because of his eyes.

I met him in Freshman year, when I was crazy for a boy named David.

The first time I looked at him, my heart literally skipped a beat. He had nice dark brown hair that was, at the time, somewhat short and kinda spikey. He wasn't tan but freckled, something I always adored. He was tall, much taller than me, and just the right size. But, what I loved most about him was his eyes. Honeyed green with gold flecks surrounded by gorgeous long, dark eyelashes.

I've always been a sucker for a pair of nice eyes.

But, I felt only a small school girl crush for him at the time. After all, as previously mentioned, I was crazy for another boy.

Freshman year came and went, along with my feelings for David. However, Mr. Bright-Eyes and I had begun to talk. It was strange really. He IMed me one day and we talked for four hours about hot pockets and people at school and we became fast friends.

Sadly, he didn't come back to school, at least not mine, again. But, we talked almost every day for hours on end over the summer and my little crush began to grow. However, all my hopes were dashed around the begenning of Sophmore year when he announced that he had found someone.

My heart was pounded into the ground time and time again while he would talk about her, tell me how worried he was and talk to me about their physical relationship. Once in a while he would let me know that he would have dated me if it wern't for one thing or another.

Though, that last part was my fault. I had told him not too long after he began dating her that my feelings for him didn't go past friendship which, of course, was a complete and total lie.

After they broke up about a year later, me and him began hanging out and talking about dating.

That's when I started to break.

Everytime we would talk, he would tell me that he wanted to be with me, he would call me beautiful and say how it sucked for him to know that he couldn't ever have me because of my limits. Everytime my heart would break and I would tell him that my limits wern't as severe as he thought they were.

I began to consider loosening them up a bit, just a bit, so that I could be with him. I rationalized, thinking that really, him lightly brushing my toushie and going under my shirt wasn't that bad.

But then, I began to like the little things that he did and I would allow him to do just a bit more. Each time he went farther, he would ask if I was ok in the sweetest voice I had ever heard. He was always considerate, apologizing when I told him no and always making sure I was comfortable with him. He still does to this day, always asking if I'm alright, using the voice he's always used.

Not suprisingly, things began to eseclate. My shirt soon came off, then his pants, and eventually mine. We never had sex thankfully, but we might as well have. Then I wouldn't currently be stuck in what I like to call 'virginity limbo.'

That was two years ago, and he and I have been off and on ever since. We always seem to come back to each other, no matter what was said or done to break it off in the first place. He's like a drug that I just cant seem to kick, and I don't think I ever will.

I love this boy.

I've given up almost everything for him.

It breaks my heart to see how our relationship has changed. He's not the same boy I fell for in the begenning, but my heart still belongs to him.

We've stopped talking about things, stopped goofing around with each other. Our relationship revolves around the physical things, and at times it makes me want to end it once and for all.

But then he says something that makes me melt. He looks at me with those eyes and I forget everything, the words are still on my tongue. My heart breaks for the things he goes through on a daily basis. His life is far from easy and I'd give the world to switch places with him, just so that he wouldn't have to deal with stuff like that anymore.

It's strange though, we've never even kissed. I hugged him for the first time ever on wednessday. I'm not sure how things got to this point and I don't know how my whole world was turned upside down without my noticing, but I'm here none the less.

I fell in love with a boy.

I'm still in love with a boy.

And the funny thing is, I don't even feel stupid for everything that's happend.

I'm a mess, I know. Our relationship, our almost nonexistent relationship that a precious few know about, is a mess. I know that all this is wrong and I should be running as fast as I can away from it, but it's the curst of the Sanders. We always fall for the wrong ones.