There's nothing left

I feel like an empty shell.

Everything that was once in me has been scooped out and dumped into the trash.

I could barley find the strength to get out of bed this morning.

I wish I felt like I did last night. I wish I still felt the pain that was so intense I wanted to scream.

But for now, I'm numb. Just numb. I don't have the strength to act alright, I barley have the strength to breathe.

And you know what the kicker is?

It's all my fault.

I fell in love with him.

I allowed things to happen that never should have.

I gave my heart and parts of myself to him because he gave me the one thing that I wanted most in the world, he told me things that I had longed to hear my entire life.

He acted like a band-aid that covered the void left by my dad's and now it's gone.

I lost my best friend last night.

I cried more than I have in ten years.

I wish I could just wake up and have everything be a dream.

"But it does not do to dwell on dreams, and forget to live."

I'm not naive. I didn't tell him those things last night thinking that in the end, everything would be alright.

But I certainly didn't think they would end up as bad as they did.

I thought that we could still talk and be friends just like we had the last time we stopped.

But now he hates me.

Now he thinks I care for someone else.

I broke his heart and it kills me.

I hate myself for what I did.

I hate him for not understanding.

I hate my heart for falling for him so hard.

I hate the way things turned out.

But I really hate the fact that it was the right thing to do.

The question is, what am I going to do now?

Heartbreak

Just got back from Winter Retreat not too long ago and my head is spinning. It was awesome and I am so glad I went.

I got an idea for a new book and got the first few pages done last night before I went to bed. It will be my first shot at a religious fiction novel and I'm excited about it. Perhaps this will be the one that I will send off to the publishers.

But, one thing that I wasn't so happy about when it came to winter retreat, was the fact that it brought light to this one relationship that I'm in. I'm not dating anyone, and I haven't been really. But I have been seeing this one boy every so often, the same boy I've been seeing for the past few years. I know it isn't a good relationship for me to be in and the things we do aren't right, but I care about him.

He is the first person to call me beautiful to my face. He is the first one that actualy cares about me. He hasn't used me as far as I know and he likes my little quirks. He makes me feel beautiful and bottom line he makes me feel.

I care about him more than I have ever cared about anyone else. He has always been there for me.

I fought for him, I fought to keep him so hard and now I have to let him go.

I hate what I'm doing, I wish things could be diffrent but I can't do this anymore espically without a commitment.

This is gonna be hell.

Heartbreak, here I come.